So I was approached a few days ago by my friend Taylor over at Not Just Another Teen Mom about writing another feature piece for her blog. The series is called “Balancing Marriage & Motherhood.” I have to admit, I was a little bit skeptical about writing for it at first.
For those of you who don’t know, this ain’t my first rodeo with marriage. I was married to my son’s father and made plenty of mistakes. I am now married to the wonderful man in the picture above and I couldn’t possibly be any happier (as if that isn’t obvious from the stupid grin on my face). It hasn’t always been easy and God only knows how many obstacles we’ve had to overcome, but it has most certainly been worth it.
I have made plenty of mistakes in the area of marriage and motherhood and still do. What kind of advice could I possibly have to offer?!
Then I thought, “Oh, but I have plenty I could talk about! There are a lot of things I’ve done to ensure my hubby doesn’t feel left out…”
I was totally going to write some of the things a lot of the other women have told you about: date nights, spending quality time together, doing things as a family, etc. Those are all wonderful things to do, but then I thought, “Nahhh…”
So I’m here to shake things up a bit. I’m going to be flat out blunt.
1. Stop being selfish.
It’s not all about you. Yeah, maybe you do stay up with the kids at night more frequently than he does and I’m sure you’d love a foot or back rub every now and then. Maybe you spent your day cleaning up puke and washing crayons off the walls. Maybe you are stressed because of something that happened at your job and then that stress was compounded by the fact that your son’s principal called you because Little Johnny skipped third period.
But tell me, do you ever take into consideration how hard your husband busts his ass or the stresses he may have encountered that day? Does he work long hours or night shift? Does he have a job that requires a lot of physical exertion? Does he work in an office setting where he maybe deals with an incompetent boss? Is he on his feet all day?
Stop thinking about yourself. Every person has their own struggles and you can’t possibly know what the other person’s struggles are if you are too busy being caught up in your own. Your needs are no more important than his and that is something that should be recognized and demonstrated on a daily basis – especially because he is your spouse.
I do my best to do this every day, but I’m human and sometimes I fail. Sometimes I’ve had a day where it feels like absolutely nothing has gone right and I’m tired and stressed and I don’t want to cook and the kids are being evil… and my husband sees all of that and he then puts my needs ahead of his own. He will suggest ordering a pizza or going to pick up dinner. He helps with getting the kids into bed. He pours me a glass of wine, pulls up Neflix, and puts his arm around me while I rest my head on his shoulder.
So I always keep that in mind when it comes to him. I will cook his favorite meal. I pick up a new beer for him from a local microbrewery when I’m at the grocery store. I leave him alone (for the most part) when he retreats to his “mancave” for a few hours. I rub his back and stroke his hair at night before he falls asleep and wake up early with him in the morning so we can sit in bed and drink coffee together.
2. Ditch the social media.
Yes, I know that Facebook is an absolutely wonderful way to stay in touch with your family and friends who are both near and far, but posting a photo of the kids doesn’t require you checking your apps 9,856,783,467 times a day. Especially if it’s a day when you and your spouse are home at the same time!!!
We have a “no phones at the table” policy in our house. It really only applies to my husband and I, considering our kids are only 3 and 1 and a half. But it helps us connect as a family. We also apply that rule to our date nights. Obviously we bring our phones in case of emergency, but we don’t take them out unless we need to.
Social media is so convenient. You can catch up with the latest on friends and family, chat with people, update family on new life changes, upload photos of the kids, worry yourself sick reading parenting articles, spend too much time analyzing a comment or “Like” from someone, or post passive aggressive status updates regarding “someone” not taking out the trash, “again.”
If you know more about the life of someone who went to kindergarten with your sister’s boyfriend’s mom than you do about what’s new with your spouse, you have a problem.
3. Remember that you and your spouse came before the kids.
While I know this may not always be the case, you should still act as if it is true (in my opinion). Your children will always be your children. They didn’t have a choice in who their parents are. They will always love you. However, your spouse DID choose you and they can also make the decision to leave. Make spending time with them a priority.
I’m going to add in an excerpt from a post I wrote a few months ago (you can read it here):
“Want to know the secret to having a happy marriage?
The trick is making a conscious effort. Marriage takes a lot of work – it doesn’t maintain itself. You have to get up every day and think “I’m going to do everything I can to put a smile on their face,” and then DO IT. Treat your spouse the EXACT way you want to be treated. It’s as simple as that. Being kind, courteous, considerate, and respectful can go a long way. This is true of any relationship.”
“As his wife, I want nothing more than to see my husband happy. If I have to do a little bit of work to make that happen, then you’re damn right I’m going to do it – even if he doesn’t ask me to.
After all, marriage is about one thing: love.
‘LOVE: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.'”
And I’m out.